the mystical mind of the demented

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Once upon a time

Once upon a time I was in love,
I, a princess with her head soaring above,
With a prince of charm flawed perfectly in these eyes,
Shared affection, senses atune, never felt so alive.

Once upon a time I went on a rollercoaster ride,
Flying in somersaults, refraining thoughts of its subside,
Entered a world of colour aglow,
Submerged in feelings, mind only came second in tow.

Once upon a time I was freefalling so fast,
I was petrified, oblivious how long it would last,
To let go was empowering,
Control, restraints, analyzing.

Once upon a time my fairytale came true,
Im not naïve, pain, hardships, tears played on cue,
Though I choose to focus on the magic,
Not the instances that could portray life as tragic.

Once upon a time is a story ill cherish,
Embedded in my thoughts, an encounter to relish,

Once upon a time is a past I knew,
But now it has concluded, its time to open a chapter anew.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Closure denied


Honesty,
All i ask of you,
Tell me baby ko, if this you cannot do.

You verbalized a love so true,
And it was, as far as i knew,
I missed you so and looked for you,
Not a shadow or word you spoke,
Distance weakened yet intensified all we had,
But why'd you give up like that?!

Tell me so to spare my heart,
Bled... jaded by the first consort,
Your silence only left distraught.

Why? why? just tell me so,
Speak of truth and i'll willingly let you go,
Not even the decency,
You left me hanging, alone... thinking...

So deeply lost in silence,
Speak now and forever i shall hold my peace,
But no, cowardly you let pictures tell a story,
Betrayed my trust and let overcome lust,
Fuelled my thoughts of distort.

Introduced hatred i never knew,
Pleading to hear it from your lips,
Let confusion end,
Confirm a conclusion,
Let me mourn and release concern.

The last to know and not through your words,
Left to punctuate by myself,
Forgive me love but all i have is spite.

I thought i memorized you but i stand corrected,
Torturing lies of deceit,
Astray you led, for me to find,
It was not love but mere selfish desire...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Nostalgic Scar

Once memorized your face,
Each gesture, each place,
Once felt in a serene daze,
Beauty in our own space.

Once knew of selflessness yet acquainted,
Sight of you quickened all pace,
Left everything in a disarray of grace.

Wishful thinking, dreams, reality intertwined,
Bliss, ecstasy, no sense of time.

Once felt the gnaw of claws,
Unmercifully as it tore,
Till all a void,
Vulnerable and destroyed.

Once, was, then, before.
Past tense,
Meaning no more.

Verbally simple in context,
Though emotionally excruciates.

Letting go of a world, state of mind,
An illusion deceivingly real,
Daunting his lies,
Manipulatively appealed.

Jaded growth,
Conscious to subconscious,
Whirlwind reel,
Gradually but never completely does time heal.

Redefined Life

Reside in all of yester years,
And understand your once peers,
Conclude passion to live,
Observe those strive to succeed.

End of your days,
No physique to cooperate,
Left in infinity and active thoughts,
What if? What if? Dawn the living dead.

Torment scenarios what could have been,
If only? If only?
Drive the elderly insane,
Ceased agenda to preoccupy initially busy minds.

In these years,
Millions and billions of dollars mean not a dime,

Human comfort the only treasure redefined

A Woman's Mystique

Stand and revel,
Woman of contrast,
So feverishly pursued,
Though seldom understood.

Devotingly nuture dear one’s need,
But beware the fury of a lady’s scorn,
As history documents,
Coincides with great grief.

Marvel as she survives,
Rubble, chaos, ruins surrounds,
Cries of mourning sears the sound.

Scars severe, leave little trace,
Once was, has been but no longer now,
She moves on, regained grace,
Stronger, passionate, focused, profound.

She embodies a mother, sister, daughter,
Ladies of complication mere men have found,
Emotional, affectionate, moody majority males exclaim,
Though the core foundation of beauty, life, delicate resilience we sustain.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

singing a bitter sweet symphony

i dreaded, although understood that day to come.. take seat on a vehicle that shall shuttle you to a country away.. i was gearing up for farewells to come.. i should've been used to this by now, ive hopped from australia to the philippines more than 9times now.. should've been used to goodbyes and shutting emotions to a distant land and let sink once opens the doors to a country foreign.

but no, its a choice..
i could've switched on launch, to rocket my emotions elsewhere and let there be a swift goodbye. words left unsaid and tears kept unshed.. i considered it relentlessly, dawning my mind and leaving images racing..

the switch was no longer of use..
after great pondering, who was i kidding?! you think it makes you a stronger person to conceal your interior feelings? appear melancholic but distant? nah, its just a silly facade for cowards..
thank God for such realization.. it would be unfair on the people i care for and more so myself.. to not fully experience those heartfelt farewells, bitter sweet tears shed by those you keep dear..

as im certain many of you have dealt with, i was scared coz i decided to deal head on with my grief of emotions..

the day i left, friends (or more like family) all met early and enjoyed numerous hours of each others company.. teary eyed i was, each time the thought of this gathering not taking place again any time soon.. for most us it wasnt sinking in that this would be last for a long time to come.. maybe in denial, they tried as much as possible to just make it like any other normal "monday night" gathering. time fled fast and next thing i know im checking my watch and the time has came to dispatch and once again regroup at the airport..

"leaving on an jetplane, dont know when ill be back again"

checked in the luggage and an interview quickly wrapped up..
it only commenced to sink (my departure) once i got back to the lounge.. over some drinks we'd laugh hard at ketch's jokes and cholo's ridicules while mareng angel would swiftly deliver the punch line with bethany a little dazed by the tagalog words thrown and carlo being the observer he is.. perfect combination of friends.. nicole with her funny questions and mond patiently explaining.. then a somber mood would fill the air , that would immediently be forcefully dismissed..

painfully unsettling was the experience (that eventually caused my plane a 10minute delay) of the obligation of counting down to the time i must proceed to board that transportation that will send me thousands of miles away, from these people ive spent some of the most happiest, heartbreaking, intimate, cherished memories i possess today.. the thought unbearable.. looking back, the conversation is blurred but the expressions of laughter, sorrow and love on their faces i keep crystal clear..

so... this is it? i must go..
standing outside the gate, i one by one hugged my departure party of 8.. not knowing when again i would be in the presence of these beautiful souls.. i knew i was extremely blessed and taken care of by the man upstairs. i thanked them one by one for being the special, genuine, loving individuals they are.. only a text/call away to run to my side whenever i needed someone the most. they helped me nurse my heartaches and gave their honest opinions.. they gave me such fun times of stomach hurting laughter.. and refrained from getting too annoyed the numerous instances i made gigil and left pinch bruises on their arms and sides. i loved them unconditionally and luckily i recieved the same affection.

first time ive witnessed so many grown people crying at one time..
the feeling was overwhelmingly flattering but i felt guilty of causing such a fuss.. the entourage caused a lil crowd of spectators (normally not keen on such intimate moments being observed) but i didnt care one single bit..

reserved the best for last.. the last hug..
how do you say farewell to a person who selflessly loved you?! i dont know how.. although a whirlwind it was.. it was the best rollercoaster ride in my life.. so i just hugged him near, in that instance i had no sense of time.. havent the slightest idea the span of time we hugged. everything just ceased to exist. i just remember trying to embrace the love of my life, praying time would stop running forth.. unfortunately no cooperation, the clock kept ticking. i released him but couldnt bear it.. so held him close one last time, cherishing preciously this human being that taught me to let go of my jadedness and allow myself to love.

the most difficult moment was that last farewell glance. picking up those bags, turning and walking away. wish i could pull myself to glimpse back but i was scared i couldnt control myself and would run back, then i wouldnt be able turn my back once again..

must have looked a wreck but i honestly didnt give a damn.. my sunglasses continuously kept fogging up as the teardrops kept streaming down my face and i hopelessly tried to catch them with my hankerchief.. while unsuccessfully tried to keep my lower lip from quivering. it was a routine as i went through security and all.. got escorted by the staff coz the plane was already delayed. despite comfort offered, nothing helped. on the plane my seatmate dare not say a word. only a few hrs till Perth out off exhaustion i dozed off..

im fulfilled with my decision to let be my emotions.. to just let go, stop trying to control.. worrying about how i would appear and just satisfying expressing however i felt. no regrets.. it was liberatingly freeing..

indeed, it was a bitter sweet experience.. as it goes " you have to take the bitter to taste the sweet"

Thursday, March 03, 2005

"we'll always have paris" - casablanca

this movie is the undisputed epitome of a classic... "here's looking at you,kid" beyond doubt Ingrid Bergman a flawless example of the regal beauty that barely a handful breathing now had the opportunity to witness...

ive heard of the legend from my father, based upon what he knew of it when it was being played manually in the cinemas in black and white.. surprise surprise! he was still a little boy playing with trains at that time (yes it has been that long since casablanca's creation)..

why is it so timeless? just due to its seniority? or snagging oscar award winning status?

no... its a classic due to its portrayal of love.. countless have created, currently are and shall proceed to embody love in their many forms and attempt to capture it on the silver screen some succeed and some do not..

casablanca embodied a selfless love, an unconditional love scarce nowadays.. which i believe is the only purely true form there is of endearment.. upholding your loved ones best interest prior to your own. Rick's "i stick my neck out for nobody" motto come to ruins once old-flame Ilsa arrives in town.. a plan ride regarded as death worthy in the period of world war II, with only 2 passengers permitted he arranges for his Ilsa and her patriotic hero husband to occupy the flight despite leading Rick into bargaining blackmail with a general and letting leave his other half..

seeing the one that holds your heart with another person is one of the most searingly painful ordeals one could experience.. though being profoundly aware that it is in that other persons arms your endeared one shall be best long run and peaceful once heals mature reward comfort. then swallow your pride and "let it be".. leave untouched the memories crystal clear of all genuine.. dont spoil it, with what shall come if prolonged. no matter how excruciatingly difficult it resounds..

although?! here i go with the inquiring! how can one derive the ultimate conclusion that your loved one is better off with this other person? of course, from knowing each other to acknowledge that long run the complications may deprive the other in some manner.. but then when do you fight for it? playing martyr as an excuse to refrain for taking that leap of faith is a whole different topic. i mean when do you say lets beat the odds no matter what society and our intellect dictates? is considering short from long term, the thing that parts young implusive first love from that of seasoned love? somebody please help.. reached a gray area here..

i conclude that the great love stories are those which role play great sacrifice for their heart's chosen.. to relive or realize our first/ultimate/seasoned love that knew no reason exception to that one person's well being. letting go for her or his better tommorrow.. whether their hearts unite once again or sadly not.. it ultimately tells of a love that knows no conditions..

all those mushy folks like i.. casablanca you must see! and highly recommend somewhere in time, wicker park, four feathers, my sassy girl...

" beneficial letdown "

once upon a time a 14 year old girl had an innocent crush on a young man numerous years her senior. He was well spoken with words of intelligent content and undeniable charm, not to mention he was indeed handsome in a boyish manner (which was never really her type but worked for her in this case). She blushed at the very glimpse of him and held onto his every word. She delightfully watched him talk and quietly memorized his mannerisms.

years went by though her admiration unfazed...
then one unexpectedly night out with her friends their paths crossed and the attention she seeked in her tender age was not only fulfilled but overwhelming. Digits then a farewell were exchanged. Recounting the night staring at the ceiling emerged the giddy little girl, unable to fathom all that had been encountered. Pinching herself, asking the divine for it not to be merely a figment of her imagination.

although at the time he seemed somewhat interested she dare not entertain the idea, he were to communicate with her once again. In her imagination he was in likeness to a star, adored from a distance, unable to reach though despite it being unattainable, still its magnificence appreciated. And to fuel the imagination with the possibility of something special would prove fatal with the emotional department. Fuelling the flame of her dreams with hope.

after a week or so the consciously unexpected happened and he got in touch with her.. They met up and talked their time away. The little girl inside her was jumping for joy although the matured young lady of 18 in her,sensed great barriers on his part. Emotionally she saw he was tattered and bitter and she was correct, discovering about the recent break up. Obviously, it left him in a jaded state and she could see the great wall of China parting them. She knew it was better not to entertain a man in such emotional ruin. His rage against the opposite sex naturally revealing itself. It would be dealing with fire if you were to get emotionally involved with someone freshly seared by a nasty break up.

intellect and maturity said no but the childish girl inside filled with long stored sentiment, endured a struggle to convince common sense to be his "savior! Heal the pain and bitterness of love he was cruelly burnt by". A little girl with a big crush's wishful thinking it was. But the reality of this, is a person scorched by lies and deceit will most definitely not leap into it wholeheartedly anytime soon. Automatically they have their armor on and barriers up, likely to seek revenge (whether consciously or subconsciously).

and so she met up with him a few more instances. She felt the resentment he held, and tried subtly to empathize, but he would not allow anything of such. Silence would hang over the pair. He would then proceed onto a random topic. Instantly brushing off anything personal and kept within a "IM never a sure thing, assume what you wish", "I could drop you any second" manner of attitude. She eventually came to her senses soon enough and knew if he wanted something, with the displayed disregard for her, he was bluntly administrating it couldn't have been in pursuit of emotional attachment but more likely physical.

she left on vacation for awhile and erased his number, in the hope it would come hand in hand with erasing him off her thoughts. After some weeks she was welcomed with the news he was hitting on her friend (acknowledging the fact he knew she and that girl were close friends).
it hurt... The inner child as well as the young lady in unison felt the blow. Ethically it would be none of her business if they went out but shes blessed her friends are loyal and sincere. Her friend did not entertain him and told him it was due to her.


IT WAS A LETDOWN ALTHOUGH A BENEFICIAL LETDOWN.

it kept my feet firmly on the ground. At the time I had other suitors more worthy of my time than him but I still chose to be in his presence. Why him? It was the sustained crush of my younger years that had me in a daze and starry eyed (and to an extent it was overwhelmingly liberating to engulf in a childish crush that gave you a rush seldomly found with rational thinking of my then enclosed barriers). Or maybe it was the whole challenge of making a bad boy turn good. Help him out of his workaholic abusing ways and introduce him to my world of laughter and fun. To see him relish in happiness partly my doing.

maybe it was karma. I too before kept my barriers so far up no guy could get past that wall I built to guard myself from letdowns and shortcomings lashing disappointment and hurt, it unables you to engage in living life to its fullest beauty.

I learnt involving yourself with a recently broken up person is playing with fire in this case, especially if it was an unpleasant parting of ways. They have issues to be dealt with and is more beneficial if they acknowlegde it on their own. Or else you risk being the rebound or being their revenge outlet (mostly not consciously).

my daddy said I was a princess and in his eyes I was.. And it should be that way..
although I allowed this man to treat me so arrogantly with such uncourteous disrespect. It was horrible for I could feel myself losing little by little self respect. Thank goodness I came to my senses at once. And did not prolong self deterioration. For everyone out there it sounds unfair but in life theres multitude of instances, wherein you're gonna have to demand respect, for someone will not freely give it you, despite respect meant to be given indiscriminatingly knowing no race, class, status, age, nationality, religion, or gender...

for all the girls - we are all princesses, so no settling for a toad and waiting for it to turn into a prince. Even if you built him long term to be your ideal man, if he embodies disregard for your feelings you gotta have the guts to let it go. He must treat you with the same respect, consideration and care a loving father does.

for the men - treat your woman with such adoring love, spoil her with affection and kindness and it shall be rewarded. Just remember to draw the line when we become too bratty and demanding (we can sometimes be abusive).

Sunday, January 30, 2005

no man is an island

ive been emotionally and partially financially independent ever since i was 12 years of age.. by choice.. (although had adult supervision similar to the restrictions of Alcatraz).which elsewhere isnt custom under normal circumstanes..


in these rollercoaster years i learnt to stand on my own two feet and go about arranging my priorities. i created my own convictions, boundaries and beliefs i wholeheartedly abided. then a series of events (including a deep infatuation) surpassed and all was in pandemonium. all i abided as would a bible, fell into ruins. had to step back and analyze the situation.

i derived the conclusion "all i got in the end is me, myself and i" (as quoted from one of my favorite songs). my family and friends no matter how supportive lead their own lives and at times its just selfish to hurdle them with mainly self inflicted pety problems. so i solved my own conflicts. and i do admit it was more convenient, leaves you less vulnerable to the blows brought about by people. simply coz you cant be disappointed or let down coz you dont depend on them. no bitterness, no getting jaded, no sleepless sobbing nights.

as a chain reaction even more restricted was matters of the heart. the advantage/disadvantage of that is since your so accustomed to be self dependent. no one can trespass, but once someone were to, its definite chaos and lacking experience to deal with such scenarios it ends in a deeper searing cut.

in the end "no man is an island". i was blind and arrogant to think i could last longer than 6yrs without harsh contortion consequences of my point of view. theres a natural need for necessity. family and friends are a given and eventually later on in life a significant other or offspring. we must learn to live peacefully in acceptance of ourselves and then with others. we all need our space but not seclusion from the world we're part of. quoting from a movie i caught a glimpse of lately "we should eventually arrange our lives in order for us not to be alone at the very end of our days".

easier said than done. career success is simpler an equation than the region of our contradicting emotions.

in closing the chapter of our lives (minus the health plus the time), its the relationships with one another that truly enriches our existence.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

"An awareness of death encourages us to live life more intensely"

the title's statement can be sited a few paragraphs till the conclusion of inspiring novel "veronika decides to die"...

it was a blessing this novel fell into my hands with perfect synchronization of my needs. the end of the year (2004) was dawning and i felt awfully homesick (since my family doesnt reside in his country). ive always loved my work and education which i enthusiastically managed my time between. though i was feeling unfulfilled and terrified of myself for it was unlikely of me to let melancholy dampen my spirit and drive. just when i was in my lowest of lows i having finished my books it was time for a bookstore visit. which i saw "veronika decides to die" recommended to me by another avid reader so it caught my eye and the introduction got me hooked.

that night i opened book it was extremely difficult to separate myself from the pages, i read halfway in a matter of hours. it sparked much coincidence for all i was experiencing at the given time.
"imagine a place where people pretend to be crazy in order to do exactly what they want" paulo coelho refering to an insane asylum. "why do people hate themselves? cowardice, eternal fear of being wrong, of not doing what others expected". it all hit home so precisely.

my life as was veronika's (but not up to that serious of a degree of damage) was becoming routine. i was just accepting the normal disarray of which nature was handing me situations, other than doing something about it. i realized how unhappy i had become and that night booked a flight to australia to sort out my thoughts. it was the best decision i could have ever made. i enjoyed the simplicity of life and people i dearly love.

with great pondering i knew my goals had changed, the college course as well as field i was working in no longer gave me contentment.

"everyone dreams but not all are brave enough to realize their dream and to pursue it." im proud as a young girl of 12 i was priveleged enough to work in the field ive always dreamt of.
though it took a lot of guts i forced to put aside my fear and realiize my dream no longer gave me the fulfillment and excitement it once did, so now time to move on.

this novel encouraged me to shatter my fears of acknowledging why i was plummenting to such unhappiness. fear? the fear of discovering what you pursued and perservered once so passionately about was no longer what you wanted.

im now just wrapping up my 6year imminently prolonged vacation and bidding my farewell to those dearly influential and special to me. for in a few months ill be opening another chapter of my life elsewhere. being with my family ive so heart wretchingly missed and pursuing yet another university course that has sparked passion in me - law. is it just i fickle-minded choice? or a long term passion? i dont know. all things change, nothing is permanent. but im willing to take the risk investing my time and effort.

just as the novel's veronika, it is now as i know i am to close this chapter of my life, it is now i am counting my days, i have the guts to more so express my intimate feelings towards those dear, enjoy to the fullest the customs and traditions ive grown fond of in this country, sing, laugh, dance and prance... =)

its sounds cliche but remains true - cherish the simple things and remain true to yourself, get to know what you want, your lucky if you are pursuing your passion so breathe each perservering perspiration to reach that goal. "its the journey not the destination" i should have done that everyday of my life here. though you only really fully learn that once a deadline is set. silly human nature ey? gotta experience before the lesson is fully weighed into pratice.